None. None more white.

Ok, that’s not true. I don’t like everything on the list.

I’m a big fan of Stuff White People Like, and I’ve finally decided to rate my own whiteness by tallying up all of the items that I concur with. Also, I’m wicked bored and feel like killing a few minutes of this absurdly long afternoon. Behold…

#127 Where the Wild Things Are
I mean, I liked the book as a kid, but that’s not what I agree with so much as the whole white-people’s-thoughts-on-books-turned-into-movies thing. I do feel superior when I’ve read a book before the movie comes out, and in general, I won’t read a book after a movie based on it has been released.

#126 Vespa Scooters
I’ll probably never have one because I’m doomed to spend eternity in the suburbs, but I love the idea of having one.

#125 Bob Marley
#124 Hating People Who Wear Ed Hardy

#123 Mad Men
Best. Show. Ever.

#122 Moleskin Notebooks
#121 Funny or Ironic Tattoos

#120 Taking a Year Off
To live in Paris, obviously.

#119 Sea Salt
#118 Ugly Sweater Parties
#117 Political Prisoners
#116 Black Music that Black People Don’t Listen to Anymore

#115 Promising to Learn a New Language
I am so planning on taking up French again so I can become fluent.

#114 America
Gobama.

#113 Halloween
Deprived of participating in this fabulous holiday as a child, I embrace wholeheartedly as an adult!

#112 Hummus
I make my own at home! I could eat it by the gallon!

#111 Pea Coats
Ah, the best part of living in New England…you can wear them about nine months out of the year.

#110 Frisbee Sports

#109 The Onion
Genius.

#108 Appearing to Enjoy Classical Music
Nice background noise. I also like the idea of dressing up for the symphony.

#107 Self Aware Hip Hop References

#106 Facebook
I enjoy stalking people and judging people from high school based on how fat/knocked up/unsuccessful they’ve ended up.

#105 Unpaid Internships
#104 Girls with Bangs

#103 Sweaters
So great for fall, my favorite season.

#102 Children’s Games as Adults

#101 Being Offended
I mainly enjoy being offended by Republicans and religious people, because it gives me a chance to retaliate.

#100 Bumper Stickers

#99 Grammar
Helloooo, I’m an editor!

#98 The Ivy League
Obviously, where I should have ended up.

#97 Scarves
I couldn’t even guess how many I have. And yes, plenty of unnecessary summer ones, which I’ve proudly worn with a tank top.

#96 New Balance Shoes
#95 Rugby
#94 Free Healthcare

#93 Music Piracy
I hate thinking about all the money I wasted on CDs as a teenager.

#92 Book Deals
My raison d’être.

#91 San Francisco
I was just there in May!

#90 Dinner Parties
Definitely among the top five things about home-ownership that I’m looking forward to.

#89 St. Patrick’s Day
I spent the last one in NYC. I’m a sucker for green beer!

#88 Having Gay Friends
I wish I had more! I am actively seeking a gay boyfriend.

#87 Outdoor Performance Clothes
#86 Shorts
#85 The Wire

#84 T-Shirts
Busted Tees are my fav.

#83 Bad Memories of High School
Is there any other kind?

#82 Hating Corporations
Really just WalMart, but that’s more because of the demographics it attracts on a Sunday afternoon than its social and economic impact on the world.

#81 Graduate School
Proud owner of a master’s degree that did roughly zilch for my career.

#80 The Idea of Soccer
I like the international-ness of it and the fact that it’s not all that popular in America.

#79 Modern Furniture
Bonus point for retro-modern furniture.

#78 Multilingual Children
Aside from the fact that I’m not a huge fan of children at the moment, I do like the idea of awesomely intelligent little ones who could impress my friends with quotations from Le Petit Prince.

#77 Musical Comedy
#76 Bottles of Water
#75 Threatening to Move to Canada

#74 Oscar Parties
I’ve never had one, and I’ve never been to one, but I think it’d be spectacular.

#73 Gentrification
Just spent four months in Brooklyn, baby.

#72 Study Abroad
Never had the opportunity, but so wish I had!

#71 Being the only white person around
#70 Difficult Breakups
#69 Mos Def
#68 Michael Gondry
#67 Standing Still at Concerts
#66 Divorce
#65 Co-Ed Sports
#64 Recycling

#63 Expensive Sandwiches
Starbucks and Panera make my favorites, but I love little non-chain places as well.

#62 Knowing What’s Best for Poor People
Because clearly, I do.

#61 Bicycles
#60 Toyota Prius
#59 Natural Medicine
#58 Japan

#57 Juno
Awwww, come on, what’s not to like?

#56 Lawyers
I married one!

#55 Apologies

#54 Kitchen Gadgets
Anything for wine is of particular import.

#53 Dogs
My dog is basically the second most important person in my life.

#52 Sarah Silverman

#51 Living by the Water
Preferably in Rye, New Hampshire.

#50 Irony
In small, tasteful doses.

#49 Vintage
Primarily vintage 1960s.

#48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops
Well, I don’t case about grocery co-ops, but I do love an afternoon wandering the aisles of Whole Foods.

#47 Arts Degrees
I hold that ever popular B.A. in English.

#46 The Sunday New York Times
I fully intend to subscribe starting this fall.

#45 Asian Fusion Food
LOVE the Japanese-Chinese place down the street from where I work.

#44 Public Radio
#43 Plays

#42 Sushi
My grocery store has this awesome brown rice vegetarian sushi. That’s gotta’ be the whitest sushi known to man.

#41 Indie Music
#40 Apple Products
#39 Netflix
#38 Arrested Development

#37 Renovations
My husband and I are about to buy our first home. Let the renovating begin…

#36 Breakfast Places
There are some great ones in San Francisco!

#35 The Daily Show/Colbert Report
I so miss having Comedy Central.

#34 Architecture
#33 Marijuana

#32 Vegan/Vegetarianism
Not so much vegan, but I’m all about no meat (TWSS).

#31 Snowboarding
#30 Wrigley Field
#29 80s Night
#28 Not having a TV
#27 Marathons

#26 Manhattan (now Brooklyn too!)
I heart NY very much!

#25 David Sedaris
I think I’ve read all his books but one.

#24 Wine
Another thing I could consume by the gallon. My favorite is guwertztraminer (and yes, I enjoy ordering that in front of less-informed wine drinkers because I know howto pronounce it.

#23 Microbreweries
But I’ll still happily have a Bud Light any day.

#22 Having two last names

#21 Writers Workshops
There’s one in Paris I’m looking into for next year.

#20 Being an expert on YOUR culture

#19 Traveling
The number one thing I want to do with my life.

#18 Awareness

#17 Hating their Parents
Self-explanatory.

#16 Gifted Children
I don’t have or necessarily want children, but when and if I do have them, it goes without saying that they will be talented.

#15 Yoga
Something else I plan to take up this fall.

#14 Having Black Friends
(I would love to have some, but I’ve been living in New England for the last three years.)

#13 Tea
Green tea, every afternoon.

#12 Non-Profit Organizations
#11 Asian Girls
(Not applicable. I’m not a dude.)

#10 Wes Anderson Movies
Seen them all, love them all.

#9 Making you feel bad about not going outside.

#8 Barack Obama
So far, so good.

#7 Diversity
Sure, why not.

#6 Organic Food
#5 Farmer’s Markets
#4 Assists
#3 Film Festivals
(…well, I don’t think I’d mind Cannes.)

#2 Religions their parents don’t belong to
Assuming no religion counts.

#1 Coffee
Can’t live without it.

I dream of  seeing the two remaining Beatles perform live, and tonight I found out that just such an opportunity has presented itself to me. But goodness, at what cost?

Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr will be headlining a benefit concert at Radio City Music Hall on April 4, which is fabulous because I happen to be living in New York City right now. Their philanthropic efforts are being made for the advancement of the David Lynch Foundation, which all sounded very nice to me until I learned what said foundation is for: evidently, the David Lynch Foundation has raised millions of dollars to teach students, teachers, and parents the tenets and techniques of – wait for it – Transcendental Meditation.

Holy shit.

I don’t even need to say that there are far more worthy causes in the world, and the fact that this organization exists is a baffling disappointment to me…

…but I really do wanna’ see the Beatles.

I think I could have guessed this would be the case, but naturally, the brilliant folks at Harvard took it upon themselves to prove it:

Evidently, Utah leads the nation in the predilection for online pornography. (Seriously? All those wives and you still need porn?) Honestly, it makes sense. Countless Mormons hang their hats in Utah, and LDS conservatism is rivaled perhaps only by that of the Southern Baptists. Maybe Muslims. And I’ve felt for a long time that extreme conservatism (read: excessive and unnecessary repression of all that is good and fun in life – booze, sex, communism, late night television, etc.) quite often leads to extreme rebellion. Obviously, if you say, “This is bad, don’t do this,” the action in question becomes tantalizing and irresistable. So it stands to reason that the sexually repressed followers of a certain Joseph Smith would develop an inclination to imbibe the sweet and abundant nectar of Internet pornography.

And it’s not just the Mormons. According to the study, “Those states that do consume the most porn tend to be more conservative and religious than states with lower levels of consumption.” Eight of the top 10 pornography-consuming states voted for the McCain/Palin ticket in November. And in churchgoing areas, these seedy online activities declined on Sundays. Interesting…

Furthermore, six of the lowest 10 states voted for Obama. If all sins are equal, I find it bizarre that these a-hole right-wing Christian Republicans are so eager to judge liberals like myself for supporting things like abortion and same-sex marriage, but porn (which all churches staunchly preach against) is fine. Bet they might speak up if Congress tried to pass a law that banned all married persons from perusing Internet porn.

What a bunch of fucking hypocrites! Maybe if you just allowed yourself to get laid every now and then, and let your wife wear some makeup and something a little more formfitting than those freaky Mormon underpants, you wouldn’t have to spend so much time and money traversing the vast wasteland of Internet porn. Come on. Pour yourself a drink, put the kids to bed, bust out that Marvin Gaye CD your RA nearly confiscated at Brigham Young and let loose!

To paraphrase my good friend Frank Sinatra, life is a beautiful thing, as long as you hold the string. I am a firm believer in an Epicurean approach to life. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with a little porn now and then, but I think it’s interesting that the most ardently Republican states are its biggest fans. Clearly, something is missing in the sexual landscape of their actual lives, so they’re looking for some kind of lame fulfillment in a virtual world. Live for today folks. I highly doubt God would strike you down for getting a little action, and if he would, is that really the sort of God you want to believe in?

I’m just sayin…think about it.

I know this makes me an asshole, but I know I’m not the only one who noticed.

Just sayin’.

I was really hoping this commercial would go away, but it seems that it won’t, and with Christmas so close, I have to say something.

Hasbro’s Rose Petal Cottage is helping girls and women take a big step backwards. I am a major advocate of non-gender-specific toys for children, and the Rose Petal Cottage could not pigeon hole girls more. So, I guess I can sort of let it slide that the Cottage comes with a cradle, a washing machine, and a sink. But it enrages me to no end that the tag line boldly declares, “Where dreams have room to grow.”

Obviously, this implies that little girls dream only of domestic duties and child-rearing, and I simply cannot stomach this. As a child, I dreamed of being an archaeologist and a writer. My little sister wanted to be a firefighter or a cement truck driver. Where are the toys for girls like that? How about a Lil’ Lawyer desk set, or a Miss Med doctor kit? I can’t believe that in 2008 we’re still giving our girls toys from the ’50s.

I am very saddened to learn that California voters have overturned Proposition 8. It baffles me that in an America that claims to be so rife with freedoms, people still want to dictate the ways in which others should lead their lives. The mantra of the religious right is that same-sex marriage poses a threat to the traditional American family. I cannot even begin to conceive of how this might be remotely the case. Gay people don’t go knocking on doors trying to recruit people to join their team. They don’t care that you’re straight. So why do you care that they’re gay? How, exactly, are they a threat to your family?

Some of this fear and hatred stems from the conservatives’ belief that gay couples should not be allowed to adopt children. In fact, they just passed a law in Arkansas banning them from doing so. This is absurd. If two competent people with a loving home and the financial means to raise a family want to adopt a child, they should be allowed to. There are plenty of heterosexual couples who are completely unfit to raise children, and our country’s high divorce and unwanted pregnancy rates result in countless “broken homes” and single-parent families. Children raised by same-sex couples are in no more physical or moral danger than those raised by straight couples. There are so many children who are desperate for a family. Why deny them a happy home, regardless of the shape it takes?

And to those who feel threatened by gay marriage even when children wouldn’t be involved in the union, I ask you, why? How is your marriage at all threatened because Bill and Bob next door tied the knot? I know the answer. It’s because of your religious beliefs and that fact that you enjoy thinking that the “morals” you’ve chosen make you a better person than a lot of other people, and you should obviously get to tell them what to do. The thing is, as I recall this country was created based on the desire for religious freedom. So why do think it’s okay to impose your beliefs on others? If the atheists starting trying to pass laws saying that you shouldn’t be allowed to go to church because it’s a threat to their non-belief system, wouldn’t you be appalled and fight back? This situation is no different.

There is a distinct line between crime and sin that religious people consistently fail to recognize. The Ten Commandments tell us not to kill each other, as does the American legal system. It is clearly both a sin and a crime. I believe that being gay is no more a choice than being born with blue eyes, but Christians (and others) believe it is a sin. That’s fine, as long as they keep that opinion to themselves. But they don’t, and they’re trying to make that perceived sin a crime. By that token, we should criminalize not going to church on Sunday, or getting mad at your parents, or merely being jealous.

Face it, folks. Your life wouldn’t change at all, not the slightest bit, if same-sex marriage were allowed in this country. What are you so afraid of? All they’re asking for are the same rights and protections that heterosexual couples so freely enjoy. So get off your homophobic high horse already and let everyone have the freedom you’re so fond of broadcasting on your bumper stickers and in your country music. “American” means a lot of things these days. Let’s prove to the world that it doesn’t mean prejudice.

I am so very excited and hopeful for our country today, and I am confident that we are ushering in a new era in which America can again be all that it is meant to be – the world’s capital of justice, opportunity, prosperity, intellectual curiosity, open-mindedness, and freedom. Congratulations, America.

This is our moment, this is our time.

“F**k off with your sofa units and strine green stripe patterns. I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say… let’s evolve, let the chips fall where they may.”
-Tyler Durden

Today I have made the very important decision to become the Hunter S. Thompson sort of successful, instead of becoming successful the traditional way – by being an annoying, cutthroat, needlessly hard-working shrew. HST was a drunken, reckless genius, occasionally an a-hole, and my greatest aspiration is to be his female reincarnation. I bring this up to due recent events in the workplace which have driven me to the sheer and utter hatred of what I will refer to as High School Revisited. Allow me to explain.

All along, but particularly as of late, I have had a deeply palpable sense that the modern workplace is little more than a lightly veiled regurgitation of the American High School Experience. There are cliques and outcasts, whispered gossip, lunch-time alliances. In short, there is undeniably a social strata that cannot be ignored, as it seems to affect promotions, raises, your general status in the work environment, etc.

Which brings me to The New Girl, who has been embraced with such open-armed and immediate praise that her superior was fired and she was given the newly available position. Am I jealous? Professionally, yes. Socially, not so much. It does bother me that I’ve been here for two years and have yet to experience the kind of friendly adoration that she’s so easily received, but really, you couldn’t pay me to hang out with this odd conglomeration of co-workers beyond the doors of this office. No, more importantly, it bothers me that I’ve been here for two years and, despite a commendable work ethic and near-perfect attendance, my position has stayed largely the same, save for a few added responsibilities, which I don’t really want anyway. What the hell made it so easy for this newcomer? What saintly attributes does she possess that are obviously lacking in my own performance?

It seems that there are three main types of girls in this world: the ones who are hopeless in every sense of the word, the ones for whom everything in life is remarkably effortless, and the ones who secretly fall more into the hopeless category but try excrutiatingly hard to appear effortless. I suspect that The New Girl falls into that second category, and I fall into the third. Aside from academia, most things in life don’t come easily to me. I wouldn’t say I’m unattractive, but effortless girls can hop out of the shower with no makeup, throw on a T-shirt, and look stunning; I wouldn’t (and shouldn’t) be caught dead without eyeliner. This past weekend, during a late-night jaunt through Boston with some friends, we found ourselves caught in the rain; my hair, of course, immediately morphed into something hideous and un-fixable; my effortless female friend still looked like Audrey Hepburn by 3am. And evidently, I need to perform some sort of miracle to get ahead at work.

It’s exhausting being the girl who is trying in vain to be effortless, whether it’s getting ready for a night on the town or competing for a job. Which is why I’ve decided to try to change my strategy. Hunter Thompson didn’t pander to the masses. He didn’t win scavenger hunts or participate in team-building activities. He was a grade A bastard who didn’t care what anyone thought, and it took him everywhere. So hey, New Girl, you can have the stupid corner office and lead the pointless weekly meetings and take two-hour lunches with your fellow ass-kissers. One day you will be cowering in the long shadow of my genius!

Ok, if that sounded a little narcissistic, it’s because…well, I’m a little narcissistic today. Team-building activities seem to have that effect on me.

“Blondes are great, they’re gorgeous. But it takes a brunette to put a spell on you.”
-Unknown

Contrary to popular belief, blondes do not, in fact, have more fun. I would say that fun is equally divided amongst girls of all hair colors, and I think the blondes-have-more-fun misconception is a result of the sheer number of fake blondes. So few among us choose to retain our natural hair color that it’s impossible to tell the blondes from the brunettes these days. Personally, I am proud to say that I’ve never dyed my hair and don’t intend do until the grey makes it’s first appearance (then, of course, all bets are off, and I’ll dye till I die). But I’ll never go blonde, and I feel the need to encourage the natural beauty of my fellow femmes brunes. Ladies, it’s time to ditch the bleach and join the Sisterhood of Bombshell Brunettes.

As a recent episode of “Mad Men” so aptly surmised, every woman is a Jackie or a Marilyn. I suppose there are shades of grey, but for the purpose of this tirade, let’s pretend we are all one or the other. Have you ever seen a brunette blow-up doll? I have not (not that I’ve seen that many), and I think there’s a reason why: there is something about a brunette that is inherently classy, sophisticated, and above objectification. JFK could have had any woman in the world (and he did), but he married Jackie because she was the crème de la crème. The Marilyns of the world are a dime a dozen, but the Jackies are few and far between.

Some of the most glamorous women ever to have lived were and are brunettes. We are in very good company. Par exemple:

Natalie Wood - stunning and stylish. I aspire to be even half as fabulous as she was.

Audrey Hepburn - obviously.

Angelina Jolie - Brad left his blonde for this killer brunette.

Penelope Cruz - Tom also realized the dark-haired species of womanhood is incomparable.

Demi Moore - she's in her mid-40s and managed to snag a much younger fella', thanks in part to those gorgeous locks.

Alessandra Amrosio - possibly the hottest woman alive. I think i have a crush on her!

T.J. is my homeboy.

I was reading up on Thomas Jefferson – I don’t remember why – and was excited to learn that he was a deist. And then I was even more excited to learn what deism entails, because it perfectly articulates my current philosophy:

“Deism is the belief that a supreme God exists and created the physical universe, and that religious truths can be arrived at by the application of reason alone, without dependence on revelation. It is in contrast with fidelism, found in many forms of Christianity, Islamic and Judaic teachings, which holds that religious truths rely upon revelation in sacred scriptures and upon the testimony of other people as well as reasoning.

“Deists typically reject most supernatural events (prophecy, miracles) and tend to assert that God has a plan for the universe, which he does not alter by intervening in the affairs of human life nor by suspending the natural laws of the universe. What organized religions see as divine revelations and holy books, most deists see as interpretations made by other humans, rather than as authoritative sources. Deists believe that God’s greatest gift to humanity is not religion, but the ability to reason.”

I feel liberated. As I’ve stated before, I have decided to begin taking an Epicurean approach to life, and with that in mind, I am giving in to the reservations I’ve always had about Christianity. My parents always made me feel guilty about failing to demonstrate the same enthusiasm they have for the faith. But every Sunday, I felt overwhelmingly uncomfortable with the various goings-on of their church.

No more. I’ve finally managed to rid myself of that tiny but (until now) ever-present voice in the back of my head, pleading with me to not give up on the tenets of Christianity. I’ve begun to establish my own personal moral code and am focusing on what I want out of life and what I can do for others. Organized religion is little more than a dictatorship requiring unnecessary discipline and 10% of your income. Am I a bad person for not buying into that? I think not.