I think I could have guessed this would be the case, but naturally, the brilliant folks at Harvard took it upon themselves to prove it:
Evidently, Utah leads the nation in the predilection for online pornography. (Seriously? All those wives and you still need porn?) Honestly, it makes sense. Countless Mormons hang their hats in Utah, and LDS conservatism is rivaled perhaps only by that of the Southern Baptists. Maybe Muslims. And I’ve felt for a long time that extreme conservatism (read: excessive and unnecessary repression of all that is good and fun in life – booze, sex, communism, late night television, etc.) quite often leads to extreme rebellion. Obviously, if you say, “This is bad, don’t do this,” the action in question becomes tantalizing and irresistable. So it stands to reason that the sexually repressed followers of a certain Joseph Smith would develop an inclination to imbibe the sweet and abundant nectar of Internet pornography.
And it’s not just the Mormons. According to the study, “Those states that do consume the most porn tend to be more conservative and religious than states with lower levels of consumption.” Eight of the top 10 pornography-consuming states voted for the McCain/Palin ticket in November. And in churchgoing areas, these seedy online activities declined on Sundays. Interesting…
Furthermore, six of the lowest 10 states voted for Obama. If all sins are equal, I find it bizarre that these a-hole right-wing Christian Republicans are so eager to judge liberals like myself for supporting things like abortion and same-sex marriage, but porn (which all churches staunchly preach against) is fine. Bet they might speak up if Congress tried to pass a law that banned all married persons from perusing Internet porn.
What a bunch of fucking hypocrites! Maybe if you just allowed yourself to get laid every now and then, and let your wife wear some makeup and something a little more formfitting than those freaky Mormon underpants, you wouldn’t have to spend so much time and money traversing the vast wasteland of Internet porn. Come on. Pour yourself a drink, put the kids to bed, bust out that Marvin Gaye CD your RA nearly confiscated at Brigham Young and let loose!
To paraphrase my good friend Frank Sinatra, life is a beautiful thing, as long as you hold the string. I am a firm believer in an Epicurean approach to life. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with a little porn now and then, but I think it’s interesting that the most ardently Republican states are its biggest fans. Clearly, something is missing in the sexual landscape of their actual lives, so they’re looking for some kind of lame fulfillment in a virtual world. Live for today folks. I highly doubt God would strike you down for getting a little action, and if he would, is that really the sort of God you want to believe in?
I’m just sayin…think about it.
